Shattered Pride Monologue

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When it starts you don’t realise what’s happening, like, it just comes from nowhere, like you’re just there standing, thinking,  waiting for your 5 chicken selects, large fries, and a 500ml bottle of Buxton water - it processes in your brain longer like you hear the words and you’re trying to think of ... to just .... Breathe 
You expect acceptance from a community who preach acceptance - you act like a fool you expect people to notice you for you - but if you aren’t toned or muscular or twinky you’re a ghost to an “accepting” community as after all no fats, no fems, No Asians 
You gain this backbone, a mature strength that’s built from distrust - you understand eventually why there’s such distrust. 
You think about am I too drunk for this - you probably are too drunk for this.  
You think of your evening, you see people who made you feel lesser when you were young because you had a gay vibe - they now put you on a pedestal saying “ you look so good now” you’re living for it - they still aren’t definite about your orientation but it goes unspoken, unsaid 
You leave - your night unruined - you think of the weekend - such pride - you remember the unaccepting acceptance that’s preached by the muscles gays - it doesn’t bother you remember the other people who feel like you 
You go you see the so called Golden Arches - you rejoice - your night out usual - your go to - your 5 chicken selects, large fries, and a 500ml bottle of Buxton water - you wait in line for them to call your number - then the brief encounter - 
You rack your 12 or so double g and t deep brain of what they just said - “ there’s no need to be that gay” you feel small all of a sudden you sink into yourself and think of the ringing in your ears - you can’t breathe, you’re visibly upset, you never know your reaction till it happens you think you’d be strong you’d fight back but you turn into the child you swore you got rid of when you accepted who you were - the words that came next - ...this weekend isn’t an excuse for it either - these straight men so caught up with the fact my gayness irradiated a room of over 100 people - I cannot give you a face a name - I cannot say the people who’re meant to be the to help helped - they kick you out if you already have your food but ... these boys were overlooked - security - was I secure did you chase them when you were alerted to such an incident - did you check I was ok - no you just say “they’ve gone now can’t do anything about it” - 
You remember your distrust - you think about the day - a pride to remember, your first out pride 
This becomes a beacon in your brain - you think of the acceptance - acceptance - to accept - accept your fag fate - heels and all - I would say fuck you - but if you’re so self-conscious about a gay - a fag - a homo - clearly pity is something you need more - the pity at the bottom of the heel cause fuck knows I need none at all 
All of this reverts in my brain to such distain - I think of the uneaten, the waste because of my Nausea - the main thing that remains; 5 chicken selects, large fries, and a 500ml bottle of Buxton water